Just when you think things couldn't get any worse...well, you should never think that because it usually does get worse.
The past four days have been pure hell. On Friday night, my mother disowned me and threw me out of her apartment, as she flew into such a rage when I told her the people she heard yelling at her were in her head (I was standing right beside her and she could hear the voices but it was silent in the apartment). So I had to alert all the family to check in with her regularly because she wanted nothing to do with me.
Come Saturday afternoon, I guess she felt bad, plus she needed cigarettes so she invited me over to talk. Again when confronted about her delusions, she became frighteningly enraged. Then two seconds later she calm. She threatened suicide to me and several family members, but refused to let me take her to the emergency psych department. I agreed to wait until Tuesday and go with her to her psychiatrist's appointment to see what he would do with her. My uncle came up and took her out on Sunday, which gave me a small reprieve.
Yesterday, we took her to her appointment. The doctor listening to everything and told her she needed to go back into the hospital. She resisted at first, but agreed to be admitted. I put 300 kms on my car yesterday running back and forth to get her clothes and stuff. When I got home, I looked into her finances and discovered she had spent all her money on crap from Ebay, leaving no funds for the two cheques I know are coming out of her account. Now I have to figure out a way to come up with the money to cover them. Plus she decided to give her notice at her apartment building, so now we have to figure out living arrangements for her within the next two months.
I have reached the end of my emotional rope. I literally have had about 15 hours sleep in the past week and have been in abdominal agony with my nerves being so bad. I really don't know what to do, as there is no support. She has no family members near by, the health care system is being less than helpful and I don't have the money to pay for any kind of help. My performance at work is suffering, my relationship with Chris is really being put through the wringer and my own mental health is failing. The urge to run out into the middle of the street with a big sign saying "HELP!" is overwhelming.
8:34 AM
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3 comments:
I came across your blog through neicybelle's comments.
My heart is so going out to you. It was meant to be that I read your blog. Both my real mother and my grandmother (who adopted and raised me) suffered from mental illness. I was always sure my birth mother would die by way of her own hand. She died in November 2005 of a blood clot.
I ranted in my blog about her death and the whole relationship back in November. I know exactly how you're feeling and what you're going through. And you're going through it without any family help. I've been there, too.
My adopted Mom died on New Year's Eve...December 31, 2004. Up until her death I did nothing but run for her...to the hospital, take care of her house, her pets, try to keep her bills paid with money I didn't have. Over the course of the last few years of her life, I gained 30 pounds. I couldn't do anything for me or my house or with my kids, even, unless I took them with me. I couldn't even go to the doctor if I was sick at times. I developed acid reflux from the stress. I went from being on no meds to three to cope with it all. I wrote angry poetry in the car at doctor's office parking lots while I waited for her. That's how I coped. I prayed. I ranted. Every moment that I wasn't needed to help her, I cherished. There were times I wanted to hop a bus to anywhere, change my name and start over. It was overwhelming. I was angry that there were four boys that Grandmom raised that refused to help. They had "issues" with her, so they left me to handle it all.
This stuff takes an enormous toll on relationships. I don't know what your solution is, or how this is going to turn out. I want to say first of all that you are an amazing woman for doing it alone. You are doing a great job, and you are going to get through it.
You are going to be in my thoughts and prayers. Depending on your area, there may be support groups or community resources to help you. The internet has more resources than you may realize.
Please remember that there is only so much you can do. You aren't superwoman. Some things you will have to let go.
When you can rest, rest. When you can laugh, laugh. Don't ever forget that you are stronger than you think you are.
Thank you , Kristi, for your kind words and for sharing your experiences with me. Sometimes it is comforting knowing you are the only one that has to deal with a situation like this. I try desperately to keep my head above water and remember take care of myself, but I tend to get too wrapped up in my mother's problems. I hope I can find some kind of support group in the area, but so far I have had no luck. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers, Kristi.
we're the three musketeers, you girls realize...I'm so glad the three of us have met up. I try so hard not to let my mother's mental illness affect my emotions...but she has become like a spoiled rotten three year old. at least dad is taking care of her, but we take her for weeks at a time to give dad a break..i really wish you had that, ellie. Hang in there, girlie!! Thoughts and prayers to you...
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