Wow. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. If you are ver thinking things can only get better from here on, don't believe it. Not for an instant. It can always get worse.

Mom has gone home for a couple of days to straighten some things out, so I have the apartment to myself until tomorrow night. Chris and I finally get an evening alone last night and it turned into pure shit. Not what I needed given my current state of mind, but that seems to be the way life goes.

Hey, check out the diet progress online. I love fitday.com! http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=lmwallace61

I hosted my Women's Clinic on Wednesday night. I had a record number of guests (38) and once again, no bloody recognition for it. I really am not sure why I put any effort into these things since management doesn't seem to give a shit. The twit who does a fraction of my job out at our sister dealership got half of that response, and has her praises sung. Shoot me now, please. Chris is seriously worrying me right now. Someone backed into his car on Wednesday, so that has just added to his view of "neverending bad things" happening to him. I can tell he's upset with the situation with Mom, but I really have no choice. I can't leave her to go completely crazy by herself, an hour away from me. He's making a lot of off the cuff remarks about "it's the end of the line" etc. so I am dealing with a suicidal mother and boyfriend. My guts just ache all day long. It certainly is helping my diet, though. I've lost 10 lbs. so far, and it's only been 10 days.

Well, I have a house guest. My mother is staying with me for...well, who knows how long. I don't mind having her here, but I know it is going to be a major strain on Chris. He got upset when she stayed for 10 days at Christmas, and chances are I'll have her for a couple of months. Needless to say, I feel sick. Just so bloody sick. I can't sleep, I have no appetite, and work is so horribly stressful right now I could scream. And being on this damn diet I can't have any chocolate or ice cream to comfort me. And no comfort from Chris, as I have a small 1 bedroom apartment so there will be no nookie with Mom around. Can I curl up in a hole and cry now?

Well, I finally got some sleep last night. After talking to my mother, I took a couple of clonazepam, which defintely helped with the sleep. She was acting strangely when she called on her new cell phone, she still won't speak openly and thinks people are listening in. She has asked me to come down this weekend because she really needs to talk to me. I think she is wary of her decision to move to Windsor and is going to try and move in with me. I am terrified that she will ask me this. I don't know what to do, as Chris will lose it if I were to give in to her. He was so upset last night after I talked to her. He says he's not upset with me, but I bear the brunt of his feelings and he makes me feel quite guilty for putting up with her current behaviour and for the effect this behaviour has on him. I really don't know what to do. I will have to rent a car to go to see her, as Chris does not want to take me and I really can't afford to keep renting vehicles. I wish I could just disappear, as my anxiety is at a pretty high level right now and I keep having minor panic attacks.

Mmmm...shrimp for breakfast. Gotta love that protein. I slept about 2 hours last night, my mind just wouldn't shut off and I had major palpitations. It also didn't help that my tummy was rumbling like mad, adapting to the new diet. Why the hell can't ice cream be good for you? Ah, well. Today's menu consists of shrimp for breakfast, salsa chicken and green beans for lunch, a cheesestring, fat-free lunchmeat and diet Jello for snacks and pork sirloin and broccoli for dinner. It actually isn't that bad, but I miss the vending machine.

Hmph. Today, I really hate my fucking job. I go through the hassle of creating, printing, folding and stuffing 700 invitations to my Women's Clinic, and nobody can be bothered to ensure they go to head office to get mailed (which I reminded at least 3 people to do). The clinic is in 7 days...thanks a bunch. One of my co-workers had an interesting thought-she was going to post a sign that said "My manager doesn't care, so I don't care". How true. Our manager (a wonderful human being, seriously) is so laid back, so non-confrontational that everything just falls to the wayside or gets ignored. Again, it comes down to the dick factor. If a man had asked for the invitations to be mailed, it would have been done, end of story. Chris is a little miffed with me because I didn't tell him I was keeping a blog. It really didn't occur to me, and I knew it would come up eventually. He was a little mortified that I wrote about the Plan B incident, but I assured him no one reads this damn thing anyway.

Broken condoms suck. Big time. Okay, so it happens and I'm thinking, it's okay because Plan B is available over-the-counter. So we get dressed, truck it over to Shopper's Drug Mart and ask for Plan B. The guy at the counter tells me he'll get the pharmacist, who then drags me and Chris into his little office. He then pulls out this 2 page questionairre that wants everything except my blood type and favourite colour. Now, I'm 29 years old and really don't care what this pharmacist thinks of me and my broken condom, but it really must be uncomfortable for a teenage girl to have to be grilled like that (I mean, if we wanted the questions, we would have went to the damn doctor). Then to top it off, they charge $14.02 for the damn consultation! Did I ask for the fucking consultation? Grrr. So forty bucks later, I get the joy of feeling like shit while I take these two pills. Luckily the rest of the weekend was okay. We went to see Mom on Friday (she's acting fairly normal, although extremely paranoid) and went out for dinner with Elizabeth on Thursday night. We pigged out on shrimp at Red Lobster, so that was awesome. She brought me back some cool gifts from her Scotland trip, including some funky Celtic earrings and some Ray Fiest books. Today is my first day on the South Beach regime, so this should be interesting.