Oh, how I despise Mondays. Especially after a delightful night of tossing and turning with a horrid headache and neckache. Customers are just in rare form today (I swear it's like they know you are not in the mood to deal with idiocy and manage to be as idiotic as humanly possible). Thankfully next week is a short week with the Canada Day holiday.

The visit with Mom on Saturday was just fantastic, as well (the sarcasm practically drips off the computer screen, doesn't it?). She basically believes that the only reason she is in the hospital is because I hoodwinked the doctor into admitting. She just has no awareness of her illness when it comes to the paranoia and delusions and that is a really scary propect. If they cannot provide some sort of therapy to help her change her behaviours and thought patterns, she is never going to get better. ECT and drugs will not "cure" this. The urge to just through my hands in the air and give up and leave her to her own devices is overwhelming. Visiting her just puts me in such an emotional slump that is really hard to pull out of.

Thank goodness Friday is finally here. It has been impossible to sleep this week (thankfully I have had some great books to read) so I plan on taking a pill tonight and crashing out. I talked to Mom last night and she sounded pretty good. She apologized for her behaviour on Friday, which was nice that she actually is taking some responsibility for her actions. The doctor has bumped up her lithium, so we will have to see how that works out. She is scheduled to start the ECT treatments again on Monday if there is still no improvement in her delusions. I am going to head out to visit her on Saturday and hopefully that goes well.

I am hoping the weather is decent this weekend so I can use the pool at Chris' house. It is definitely cooler today after the ridiculous heat and humidity yesterday. We were supposed to have a Social Club meeting last night (I head the committee) but one of the girls had other plans so we had to cancel. I was so looking forward to a night out (not to mention the Firecracker Shrimp Bowtie Pasta at East Side Mario's!) but c'est la vie.

Just when you think things couldn't get any worse...well, you should never think that because it usually does get worse.

The past four days have been pure hell. On Friday night, my mother disowned me and threw me out of her apartment, as she flew into such a rage when I told her the people she heard yelling at her were in her head (I was standing right beside her and she could hear the voices but it was silent in the apartment). So I had to alert all the family to check in with her regularly because she wanted nothing to do with me.

Come Saturday afternoon, I guess she felt bad, plus she needed cigarettes so she invited me over to talk. Again when confronted about her delusions, she became frighteningly enraged. Then two seconds later she calm. She threatened suicide to me and several family members, but refused to let me take her to the emergency psych department. I agreed to wait until Tuesday and go with her to her psychiatrist's appointment to see what he would do with her. My uncle came up and took her out on Sunday, which gave me a small reprieve.

Yesterday, we took her to her appointment. The doctor listening to everything and told her she needed to go back into the hospital. She resisted at first, but agreed to be admitted. I put 300 kms on my car yesterday running back and forth to get her clothes and stuff. When I got home, I looked into her finances and discovered she had spent all her money on crap from Ebay, leaving no funds for the two cheques I know are coming out of her account. Now I have to figure out a way to come up with the money to cover them. Plus she decided to give her notice at her apartment building, so now we have to figure out living arrangements for her within the next two months.

I have reached the end of my emotional rope. I literally have had about 15 hours sleep in the past week and have been in abdominal agony with my nerves being so bad. I really don't know what to do, as there is no support. She has no family members near by, the health care system is being less than helpful and I don't have the money to pay for any kind of help. My performance at work is suffering, my relationship with Chris is really being put through the wringer and my own mental health is failing. The urge to run out into the middle of the street with a big sign saying "HELP!" is overwhelming.

The heat has arrived again. And Mom does not have an AC unit at her place, so last night was horrendous for trying to sleep. Plus she has no curtains so at 5:00 am I was up with the rising sun (bearing in mind the last time I saw the clock before falling asleep was 1:45 am). I also woke up to the most awful burning smell. I walk into the kitchen and there is a pot of eggs on high heat that has boiled dry and the eggshells have exploded. Mom must have put them on last night and forgot about them. Her short-term memory is really bad since the ECT treatments. I have to keep calling her to remind her to take her meds, for heaven's sake. Hopefully tonight goes better and then I am definitely spending Saturday night in my apartment so I can try and sleep in on Sunday. Bah, I said that last Sunday and ended up going shopping at Walmart at 8:00 am. Oh, well.

Well, Mom's been cut loose and is currently occupying my couch. Again. But tomorrow I am shipping her back over to her apartment before she gets too damn comfortable. I will stay over at her place for a night or two, but if she is well enough to be released from the hospital, she should be able to take care of herself. She has to go back to the psychiatrist's on a weekly basis for the timebeing. Cross your fingers for me that she stays sane for a while so I can get some peace. And so poor Chris can get some peace, too. He is so depressed right now and so up in the air with what he wants to do with his life. Trying to be supportive of both him and Mom is, well...trying. Mom can be more than a little selfish in demanding my time, so I think I need to be much more assertive in telling her NO sometimes. I am just such a damn pushover, I find it hard to deny those close to me anything. And right now I am emotionally paying a big price. But that is what chocolate is for, right?

I need a vacation from my life. Or at least from my mother and my job. I worked Saturday morning and then Chris and I drove to Brantford to see Mom. She was in a good mood, but the paranoia and delusions are still just as evident as the day she entered the hospital. And she is trying her damnedest to get the shrink to release her today. There has been no improvement! She still thinks these "people" who started harrassing her and plotting against her at her old apartment have followed her to her new apartment and to the hospital. She wants to set up recording equipment in her apartment, for christ's sake. If that doctor lets her out, I really think I will go totally nuts. Guaranteed, within hours of her return to her apartment, she would be calling me to come get her out of there. Not this time. If she can't manage on her own at home, then she needs to be in the hospital or a home. I am thirty years old, trying to build my own life. I am not going to put my entire life on hold to take care of her-it's just not fair.

in other interesting news, Chris' sister got engaged after dating this guy for eight months. Eight months! Chris and I will be celebrating our eight YEAR anniversary of dating in November! I really am beginning to develop a complex, as everyone around me is getting hitched. Am I not marrying material? Or maybe Chris is just a bloody procratinator and is dawdling along at his own pace. Which is enough to drive a girl nuts. let me tell ya. Hello, over here is a woman who loves you and wants nothing else more in the world than to spend the rest of her life with you! Perhaps I should take out a billboard. Okay, I need to end this rant because, well, they tend to get me in trouble.

Mom has undergone two ECT treatments as of yesterday. There is an improvement in her general mood, but absolutely no difference in the psychosis. She still is delusional so it will be interesting to see if any further ECT seesions help or if the psychiatrist will have to look down a different avenue for treatment. She is still adamant about not returning to her apartment, but she sure as hell is not moving back in with me. The previous seven-month visit damned near drove me over the edge myself and I can't be put in that situation again. Sooner or later my wellbeing has to come before hers.

It's going to be a long work week as I have to work Saturday (with Richie the nimrod to top it off). Then I'll head out to Brantford after work on Saturday for another visit with Mom. I may elect to not even get out of bed on Sunday with how wiped out I am feeling. I hate taking something to help me sleep, but I may not have a choice soon.

I haven't been to the comic book store in over three weeks, so it should be about $60 by the time I walk out of there. Which is good thing, since at least I'll have lots to read while I lie in bed on Sunday.

Yesterday was a heck of a lot of fun. We met with mom and her psychiatrist to discuss the ECT treatments. I was still up in the air about it, but I also wasn't too thrilled with the cocktail of drugs she would be on as the other option (lithium, risperidone, effexor and remeron). After meeting with my mother on her own, however, it became glaringly apparent that she needs serious help quickly.

Her mental state has actually deteriorated since entering the hospital-she thinks "they" have followed her to the hospital, that she wants to hire private investigators because she is being "framed", the chocolates Chris brought her had been tampered with so she threw them out...it goes on. She wanted to undergo the treatment and Chris and I agreed that would probably stand a better chance of success, not to mention work quicker, which is important given the extreme mental duress she's under. So we left at 6:00, with her in okay shape and me coming back to visit Sunday (my cousins are coming Saturday to keep her company that day).

At about 8:15 last night, my phone rings. It's Mom, and she wants out of the hospital NOW. The other patients are "out to get her", abusing her and the nursing staff are all in on it. She demanded I come get her and when I refused she hung up on me. Five minutes later, she calls again, demanding I call the police and get her out. I tell her no, that she needs to be there to get help but there is absolutely no reasoning with her in this state. She pretty much told me off and said it was nice knowing me and hung up.

That's the last I have heard from her. I am afraid she will start refusing treatment. I spoke with her nurse this morning and so far she is refusing to leave her room and being quite difficult. I will have to check with the psychiatrist this afternoon to make sure the ECT is still scheduled for Monday. If things don't settle down soon, I may end up in the room next to her.

I so beyond stressed out right now. I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep since Mom went into the hospital on Friday, so I am starting to fray a little at the edges. And with the 200 km return trip the hospital, all my money is being sucked into my gas tank so food is a little scarce as well. Hopefully I can manage to get in a good dinner tonight after the meeting.

We meet with the psychiatrist this afternoon, as his recommended treatment at this point is electroconvulsive therapy. This scares the hell out of me, no matter how much I read about it. Mom seems to be okay with it and so is Aunt Lois. I am just waiting to hear back from Uncle Al, as he visited her last night and was going to read the literature the doctor left about ECT. My major concern is he will want to do bilateral ECT, which is the most harmful to your memory, although it has the better success rate. Perhaps scared was an understatement-I am bloody terrified about having her undergo this procedure. I realize it is a much safer procedure now than it was years ago (anyone remember One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?), but it still freaks me out. If we all agree to the treatment, she'll have her first session Monday morning, then repeating on Wednesday and Friday for at least a couple of weeks.

For someone who tends to avoid her family (aside from my parents) this week has been strange because I have had to speak with my relatives on a regular basis. I barely know these people anymore, having barely seen my mom's side of the family in the last 12 years. It's very strange, because I feel so disconnected from them yet we are talking about something as intimate as my mother's treatment and well-being. Sometimes I wish I had a family like Chris', that is comprised of all of 11 people (that's both sides!), including himself. I have 7 uncles and 17 cousins alone on my dad's side, so my family is freaking huge. Which is probably why I avoid them, because I hate large social gatherings. I will probably regret it someday, but I can't concern myself with it right now.