1:44 PM
2008...it had such promise to be a great year. Now it's almost over and I swear, it has been one of the worst years I have seen for me, my friends and loved ones. Accidents, health problems, financial disasters, heartbreak, depression...it has seemed like just after one crisis has ended, a new one begins. Sigh. When will we all find the peace and happiness we deserve?
Chris has been busy moving his sister into her new apartment in T.O., then he will start moving his stuff over into my apartment. I have been busting my ass getting the apartment ready...organizing, cleaning, purging, more cleaning...I physically hurt from all the work I have been doing. Which he probably won't even notice, given his current state of mind. His depression is still really bad, and the relations between him and his father are getting worse.
The holidays are going to be a trying time...his dad pretty much just wants to do whatever his girlfriend wants, with no concern for his children. Chris' maternal grandmother is refusing to come over for Christmas, since she is so disgusted with his dad's behaviour as of late. I'm heading down to my mom's for Christmas this year, since I have spent the last 2 with his family, and Chris is hesitant to go with me. It would kill me to see him spend Christmas by himself, since his sister has to work all through the holidays, but I won't disappoint my mom by not going to see her. I normally love Christmas...this year I just want it to be over and done with.
Work is BEYOND difficult right now. Being employed by a GM dealership is hard with the financial crisis, and threat of staff shakeups here at the dealership is overwhelming. I hope the government agrees to help them out...1 in 7 jobs in Canada is linked to the automotive industry (not ot mention MINE!). Hopefully the news at the end of the week is good...
9:13 AM
I haven’t blogged in so long…life has felt like it’s in a downward spiral and I just couldn’t bring myself to write about it. I still read everyone’s blogs and check in on your lives…but for the most part I don’t even want to think about mine.
Since the firing of our general manager in September, things at work just keep getting worse. My place in the company is very unsure and my pay plan fluctuates regularly. We had $1000 go missing from a deposit a little over a week ago…since I was the one to package up the deposit and put it in the safe, I am being viewed suspiciously. My job isn’t worth $1000…nor would I be stupid enough to steal money that is so easily trackable. Sigh. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop around here…
In light of the job uncertainty, I cashed in all my RRSPs (my retirement savings) to pay off my car and my credit card debt, in the event I do lose my job. So my taxes are going to be through the roof this year on top of everything else :(
On one bright note, in December Chris will be moving in with me. I am so happy that he is finally going to be living with me, but I’m not too thrilled about the circumstances. His dad is forcing him out of the house, along with this sister, so his girlfriend can move in. Chris’ mental state is a fright right now, with his depression continually getting worse. Sometimes I just can’t understand how selfish people can be…could he not wait a few more months...geesh.
Cross your fingers for me that my job will stay stable so I can keep my soon-to-be growing household afloat…
4:16 PM
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right
3:39 PM
I love Jeff Dunham! The "Spark of Insanity" DVD is a riot, but Achemd is my favourite...
4:17 PM
I so remember doing this in front of the TV when I was a kid...
3:45 PM
Hide in a hole and hibernate. But I guess that's not a realistic solution, is it?
This past month and a half have just been horrible. The cancellation of the wedding has hit me really hard, a lot harder than I am letting on to anyone around me. I shipped off my wedding dress and jewellery today that I managed to sell on Ebay..that was heartbreaking, I adored that dress. I remember posting the pictures of it on here and being so excited...I feel like all my enthusiasm and excitement has been sucked out of me like a deflated balloon.
I should have known...I really should have known. This was the first happy, exciting thing to happen in our lives for years...I'm talking years overshadowed by sadness and disappointment and heartbreak...so I should have known it was too good to be true. I kept trusting that things would get better, that my positivity could push us forward, that working together towards having a happy life would make it easier. I feel so foolish, so incredibly foolish. I am a pessimist at heart, but I was so optimistic about this one thing. I always say expect the worst so you won't be disappointed...I failed to heed my own advice on this one.
But we learn from our mistakes. We build walls, we become more guarded, less trusting. It's such a shame, but necessary to emotionally keep ourselves together...
6:45 PM
Sadness reigns in my world right now. The hope is that the sun will shine in the days ahead. The fear is that the darkness has only just begun...
10:27 AM
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay!
Uh huh
Bif Naked, "I Love Myself Today"
I wish I could feel that way. I despise myself with such a burning hatred right now that it threatens to consume me completely.
I'm disrespectful.
I'm selfish.
I'm insensitive.
I'm uncommunicative.
I'm thoughtless.
I'm self-centred.
I'm unloving.
I'm abnormal.
I feel like some kind of a monster...
Can I be fixed? Who knows...
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