Yay! Long weekend ahead. I went out for dinner with a friend from work last night...caught up on good gossip and pigged out (diet starts again next week). Chris comes back from his aunt's today, so I'm looking forward to seeing him. It's silly how much you can miss someone, even when they are only gone a couple of days. I'm not sure what we are doing for New Year's, although I will probably feel guilty if we leave Mom all alone. Not that I really care much what we get up to... an end to another year, not much different from the last.

Well, it was a nice, quiet Christmas. I got lots of cool stuff for the kitchen from Mom, along with the regular jammies, toiletries, etc. Sam & Merl got me new dishes and Madagascar. From Chris I received the Firefly series on DVD, Elf, a cool stocking hanger and a gift certificate for the spa (can't wait to use that one!). I ate like a pig and probably gained 5 pounds. I hated coming back to work yesterday, but someone has to pay the bills.

Six days til Christmas. Whoop-de-do. Normally I love this season, but my mood is so crappy right now I am barely getting any enjoyment out of it. Chris is a big Bah Humbug, so that doesn't help. Mom, on the other hand, is the epitome of Christmas Joy, baking til her heart's content and gleefully awaiting the blessed day. I want to kill her...not really, but I can barely muster up any Christmas spirit. Lucky is on the warparth...he is attacking Chris with a vengeance. He drew blood big time on Saturday. Damned cockatiel needs to go on Zoloft or something. Mom has headed off to Brantford til tomorrow night, so we have the apartment to ourselves for one night. We went to Dad's yesterday for the obligatory Christmas visit...obligatory on his part, not mine. I would happily see my father more than 2 times a year, but apparently the feeling ain't mutual. I got a couple of Boyd's Bears, FCUK perfume and some gift certificates. Chris got beer and to paraphrase the immortal Homer Simpson, "Mmmmm, beer".

Can I go home now? Please? I really don't want to be at work today. I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep, so I feel like a zombie. The Staff Christmas Party went well on Saturday, aside from some punk mechanic from our sister dealership who puked all over the foyer and put his head through the bathroom wall. A real class act. Did Xmas with Elizabeth on Sunday...got lots of cool stuff. Can't wait to start reading my GRRM book.

Oooh, the weather outside is frightful...damn it's cold. My office feels like an icebox. We are having a new phone system installed, which is having some major glitches, so it's been a quiet day with phonecalls. The trailer for X3 premiered yesterday, and I think it looks pretty cool. Only 5 months to wait! Picked up Fantastic Four yesterday on DVD, so I think I'll have a FF and Batman Begins marathon one day over the holidays. Our staff Christmas Party is on Saturday, so I am anxious for it to be over and done with. I do all the planning for our social events at work, so it's more hassle than fun for me. Plus I hate getting all gussied up, because it feels like no matter how much makeup and fancy clothing I put on, I still look like crap. I'm doing Christmas with Elizabeth on Sunday, so that should be fun (I know she got me the new George RR Martin book, so I'm excited!).

Saturday night was wonderful and thankfully went off without a hitch. We had a great meal at the Water Street Cooker and some great wine from Kittling Ridge back at home. The next couple of hours were spent doing things not fit to print (let's just say my new lingerie went over well) and then some pumpkin cheesecake for dessert. I got Chris the new X-Men legends game and his own Jessica Alba action figure to lust over (this gift was met with much rolling of the eyes). I got a box of Walker's Chocolate Mint Meltaways (yummy!) and Neverwinter Nights Diamond for my puter.

Then Sunday rolled around and I felt like I'd been hit by a load of bricks. This ridiculous wave of depression swept over me and I spent most of the day curled up in bed, sobbing. I think having such a great night alone with Chris made me so bloody upset because we get them so rarely. The thought of my mother coming back and how stunted my life has become really got to me. Chris is very concerned about my mother's place in our future and I am terrified I will be the one to lose out eventually, as this may ultimately be a big reason for him not wanting to marry me. And right now, that is the only dream I have, so doubting that it will come true has made me feel terrible.

I am feeling VERY overwhelmed right now. I'm not sure if things are really that bad, or if I just can't handle things very well right now. Chris's mental state is really poor right now, and I just can't figure out anything I can do to help. He is taking medication (which is only making him more depressed) and seeing a psychiatrist, but I am really worried about the downward turn his moods have taken and the worsening of his apathy. Not helping matters is the constant presence of my mom, so we rarely get any time alone together anymore. I no longer feel the urge to throttle my mother on a daily basis, but the situation is still stressful. The birds are in nasty moods, with Gypsy laying eggs continually. Work blows, per usual, but at times I would almost feel better staying here than going home. I am flat broke after blowing hundreds of dollars on Christmas gifts ( I don't even have enough money for any lunch today!). I keep telling myself things have got to brighten up, but boy it is taking forever in coming. One happy note is Chris and I are celebrating our 7th anniversary on Saturday...please let that night go off without a hitch...that's all I ask.

I haven't posted on here in ages. Since Chris read the blog, I have been hesitant to write anything further because the backlash was unfortunate, since it's easy to read things and take them the wrong way. My mom is still living with me. It is very difficult and tensions are running a little high. I am wound up tighter than a guitar string and there is no relief in sight. I am being shoved into a different position temporarily at work that is going to increase my stress level tenfold. Chris is seriously depressed and I have no idea how to help him. Is it a wonder I need large amounts of chocolate?

Wow. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. If you are ver thinking things can only get better from here on, don't believe it. Not for an instant. It can always get worse.

Mom has gone home for a couple of days to straighten some things out, so I have the apartment to myself until tomorrow night. Chris and I finally get an evening alone last night and it turned into pure shit. Not what I needed given my current state of mind, but that seems to be the way life goes.

Hey, check out the diet progress online. I love fitday.com! http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=lmwallace61

I hosted my Women's Clinic on Wednesday night. I had a record number of guests (38) and once again, no bloody recognition for it. I really am not sure why I put any effort into these things since management doesn't seem to give a shit. The twit who does a fraction of my job out at our sister dealership got half of that response, and has her praises sung. Shoot me now, please. Chris is seriously worrying me right now. Someone backed into his car on Wednesday, so that has just added to his view of "neverending bad things" happening to him. I can tell he's upset with the situation with Mom, but I really have no choice. I can't leave her to go completely crazy by herself, an hour away from me. He's making a lot of off the cuff remarks about "it's the end of the line" etc. so I am dealing with a suicidal mother and boyfriend. My guts just ache all day long. It certainly is helping my diet, though. I've lost 10 lbs. so far, and it's only been 10 days.

Well, I have a house guest. My mother is staying with me for...well, who knows how long. I don't mind having her here, but I know it is going to be a major strain on Chris. He got upset when she stayed for 10 days at Christmas, and chances are I'll have her for a couple of months. Needless to say, I feel sick. Just so bloody sick. I can't sleep, I have no appetite, and work is so horribly stressful right now I could scream. And being on this damn diet I can't have any chocolate or ice cream to comfort me. And no comfort from Chris, as I have a small 1 bedroom apartment so there will be no nookie with Mom around. Can I curl up in a hole and cry now?

Well, I finally got some sleep last night. After talking to my mother, I took a couple of clonazepam, which defintely helped with the sleep. She was acting strangely when she called on her new cell phone, she still won't speak openly and thinks people are listening in. She has asked me to come down this weekend because she really needs to talk to me. I think she is wary of her decision to move to Windsor and is going to try and move in with me. I am terrified that she will ask me this. I don't know what to do, as Chris will lose it if I were to give in to her. He was so upset last night after I talked to her. He says he's not upset with me, but I bear the brunt of his feelings and he makes me feel quite guilty for putting up with her current behaviour and for the effect this behaviour has on him. I really don't know what to do. I will have to rent a car to go to see her, as Chris does not want to take me and I really can't afford to keep renting vehicles. I wish I could just disappear, as my anxiety is at a pretty high level right now and I keep having minor panic attacks.

Mmmm...shrimp for breakfast. Gotta love that protein. I slept about 2 hours last night, my mind just wouldn't shut off and I had major palpitations. It also didn't help that my tummy was rumbling like mad, adapting to the new diet. Why the hell can't ice cream be good for you? Ah, well. Today's menu consists of shrimp for breakfast, salsa chicken and green beans for lunch, a cheesestring, fat-free lunchmeat and diet Jello for snacks and pork sirloin and broccoli for dinner. It actually isn't that bad, but I miss the vending machine.

Hmph. Today, I really hate my fucking job. I go through the hassle of creating, printing, folding and stuffing 700 invitations to my Women's Clinic, and nobody can be bothered to ensure they go to head office to get mailed (which I reminded at least 3 people to do). The clinic is in 7 days...thanks a bunch. One of my co-workers had an interesting thought-she was going to post a sign that said "My manager doesn't care, so I don't care". How true. Our manager (a wonderful human being, seriously) is so laid back, so non-confrontational that everything just falls to the wayside or gets ignored. Again, it comes down to the dick factor. If a man had asked for the invitations to be mailed, it would have been done, end of story. Chris is a little miffed with me because I didn't tell him I was keeping a blog. It really didn't occur to me, and I knew it would come up eventually. He was a little mortified that I wrote about the Plan B incident, but I assured him no one reads this damn thing anyway.

Broken condoms suck. Big time. Okay, so it happens and I'm thinking, it's okay because Plan B is available over-the-counter. So we get dressed, truck it over to Shopper's Drug Mart and ask for Plan B. The guy at the counter tells me he'll get the pharmacist, who then drags me and Chris into his little office. He then pulls out this 2 page questionairre that wants everything except my blood type and favourite colour. Now, I'm 29 years old and really don't care what this pharmacist thinks of me and my broken condom, but it really must be uncomfortable for a teenage girl to have to be grilled like that (I mean, if we wanted the questions, we would have went to the damn doctor). Then to top it off, they charge $14.02 for the damn consultation! Did I ask for the fucking consultation? Grrr. So forty bucks later, I get the joy of feeling like shit while I take these two pills. Luckily the rest of the weekend was okay. We went to see Mom on Friday (she's acting fairly normal, although extremely paranoid) and went out for dinner with Elizabeth on Thursday night. We pigged out on shrimp at Red Lobster, so that was awesome. She brought me back some cool gifts from her Scotland trip, including some funky Celtic earrings and some Ray Fiest books. Today is my first day on the South Beach regime, so this should be interesting.

I am a grumpy gus today. My mother is in complete turmoil, dealing with harassment from her neighbours and going loopy because of it. Chris has no patience for her idiosyncrasies, which tears me down the middle. I find I have to defend each of them against one another frequently. I think I am going to turn off my phone tonight and curl up with Sophie Kinsella's new book (taking a break to watch Dawson's, of course). I am finally going to make a trip to the comic shop tomorrow...Astonishing X-Men is finally out and I am behind on Ulitmate X-Men by a couple of issues. House of M got pushed back a week, so I guess I'll have to go again next week...grrr, I hate late comics.

Wheew...what a crazy morning. Everybody and their uncle needs a service appointment NOW. Another quiet weekend...did a bit of shopping and housework, that's about it. I'm glad I don't live in New Orleans with this wacky hurricane...although I do have a great mental image of Anne Rice paddling down the streets floating on a coffin. My mother has now called me 10 days in a row...this may sound harsh, but she has got to lighten up and cut down her "talk-to-daughter" addiction (maybe every other day?).

TGIF. What a long, boring week. I made my favourite dinner last night-fajitas-but they didn't turn out that great, although Chris really liked them. After some post-coital Dawson's Creek and Buffy, I tossed for about 3 hours before finally falling asleep. Mike was picking me up early for work, so I was seriously dragging my ass this morning. My mother has now decided that she wants to move to be closer to me, so that should be interesting. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it could lead to more headaches for me. I think my dad is back from his golf holiday in Mont Tremblant, so we'll see how long it takes him to call me. It's sad when your father lives a 1/2 hour away, yet you only see him twice a year. Oh, well...c'est la vie. No big plans for the weekend-I have to work on some issue summaries and some serious housework.

Hmmm...the urge to commit matricide is sometimes overwhelming. I love my mother dearly, but she is driving me cuckoo. She has gotten herself a unlimited long-distance plan, so she is calling me everyday. And then squawks that I'm not talkative. How much can there be to talk about when she never goes anywhere or does anything, and all I do is work, eat and sleep? And her paranoia is getting bad again, as all her neighbours are out to get her and make her life misable, people are watching her, etc. I understand mental illness, being a long-time GAD and depression sufferer myself, but at times her paranoia gets tiresome. Chris is going through a rough patch again, so the stress of dealing with two people who are having mental issues is getting to me. Especially since I have to closely monitor my own feelings of anxiety and depression. I am my mother's only outlet, as she has no friends or family around...just me. I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions, as Chris gets frustrated that she is so dependent on me and I'm conflicted between feeling obligated to come to her rescue and telling her she has to find other people to rely on. Times like this I wish I liked to drink...BTW, the psychic was cancelled for Friday night, so much for any enlightening predictions.

Boring night last night. We went grocery shopping (god, I would be rich is I didn't have to eat) and another quiet night in. I am thoroughly hooked on Dawson's Creek on Razer...it's quite pathetic. I now have a nightly TV schedule of 3rd Watch (if I get home in time), ST:Voyager, CSI, Dawson's Creek and Buffy (if I stay up that late). Definitely becoming a sofa spud. I've been buying like mad on Ebay again...between filling in my comic book collection and Boyds Bears, it's a little excessive. I also bought Chris a Christopher Walken "More Cowbell" shirt, as I have been listening to him quote the damn SNL skit for weeks now.

My brat birds...gotta love them.

Do you ever lie awake wondering...what the hell has happened to my life? I've been doing that a lot lately. The big 3-0 is approaching fast and I am concerned that it's not going to be any better from this point on. Which is sad...because it rather sucks right now. I'm in a low paying job, and my limited education limits the opportunities out there. I'd love to go back to school, but paying all the bills makes it impossible to even afford to go part-time. I am unmarried and live alone (aside from my wacky avian friends) and it looks like it will be that way for quite a while. I just feel like there is not a lot out there to look forward to...that this is as good as it gets. (sigh) Well, enough self-pity. My friend Carolyn is supposed to be having a psychic over on Friday. I saw this gal a few months ago, but I wasn't sure what to think of her predictions. She told me I would be engaged by year's end, but not necessarily to my current partner and that there was a "secret admirer" waiting in the wings to sweep me off my feet. I also apparently have a "totem"-a big orange cat that watches over me(great, I'm being guarded by Garfield). It shall be interesting to see what her predicitons are this time and if they are consistent.

Monday morning...yippee. Prelude to another week of whining customers and bitching co-workers. The weekend was pretty good-we saw "Batman Begins" yesterday. I loved this movie--it breathed life back into the flailing "Batman" franchise. Christian Bale was brilliant, and Katie Holmes wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought she would be. My female cockatiel laid another bloody egg, but so far seems to have no ill effects. I started another damn diet today...heaven help Chris as I get ridiculously moody when I'm deprived of food.

Insomnia sucks. I think I managed about 3 hours sleep between tossing around, reading Harry Potter and the HBP and listening to music. Tonight will be a trazedone night, for sure. Chris and I had our usual quiet night in, eating lasagna and watching Voyager and Dawson's Creek. I love this new Razer station--DC and Buffy every night, as well as Roswell on the weekends. I abhor reality TV and most of the new programs on, so I have to rely on decent reruns to amuse me. Speaking of amusement, we finally saw the Fantastic Four movie. I must say, I really loved this movie. I thought it maintained the spirit of the comic book really well, even if they had to change some of the characters, like Doom's role. Chris loves Jessica Alba, so that certainly kept him riveted to the screen. The guy who played Johnny was damned hot, so I had some eye candy as well.

Well, I feel like I have been run over by a steamroller. I hosted one of my new vehicle owner orientation clinics last night and had a great turn out (33). After hauling 6 cases of windshield washer fluid (giveaways), I feel like I've been pile-driven by a pro-wrestler. This was the biggest turnout we have had, but I doubt much will said about it. In the automotive industry, you rarely get any recognition for anything unless you have a penis, and I am lacking in that department. On a brighter note, there's leftover spinach dip and Roma pizza, so at least I have something to munch on at my desk this morning.

Hmmm...not sure what to write. Blogs seem to be hugely popular at present, but I wonder if I have anything of value to contribute. Then again, Kevin Smith's blog generally opens with whatever his first bodily function of the day is, so I guess value is a matter of perspective.