Okay, feeling reaaaly terrible right now. I should have called in sick, but my boss has been through enough lately without me flaking out on him. I finally got some sleep last night after taking 3 clonazepam. I am not surprised by Chris telling me that the situation with my mother has him unwilling to commit to me. Not being surprised by it does not make it any easier, however. How do I deal with this? "Gee, Mom, you better straighten out or I'm going to be a bloody spinster"? Telling her any part of this will not help the situation, as I'm sure it will make her feel angry and guilty and say something stupid, as she rarely thinks before she speaks. Chris is harbouring a lot of animousity towards my mom since the blowup before Christmas, and I really can't blame him. Her behaviour that night was immature and disrespectful, to say the least. Unfortunately with Mom, once things are done with, she sweeps them away and forgets they happened. Chris, on the other hand, does not let go easily, especially when he has been on the receiving end of that type of treatment. I feel so sick from being pulled in all these directions, plus the stress of having her living with me, plus wondering whether Chris is going away to school, plus my job sucking huge...I need a vacation from my bloody life.

A New Year. Yee haw. So far, it sucks. Today has been the most insane bloody day at work, ever. I've had over 40 messages and it's only 11:15. New year's Eve was very quiet...Chris and I went out to dinner and then came back home to spend the evening with Mom. I'm back on my diet today, although I have none of the damn stuff I need to eat, so I'm bloody starving. Ugh, next person to wish me a happy new year is getting smacked.

Yay! Long weekend ahead. I went out for dinner with a friend from work last night...caught up on good gossip and pigged out (diet starts again next week). Chris comes back from his aunt's today, so I'm looking forward to seeing him. It's silly how much you can miss someone, even when they are only gone a couple of days. I'm not sure what we are doing for New Year's, although I will probably feel guilty if we leave Mom all alone. Not that I really care much what we get up to... an end to another year, not much different from the last.

Well, it was a nice, quiet Christmas. I got lots of cool stuff for the kitchen from Mom, along with the regular jammies, toiletries, etc. Sam & Merl got me new dishes and Madagascar. From Chris I received the Firefly series on DVD, Elf, a cool stocking hanger and a gift certificate for the spa (can't wait to use that one!). I ate like a pig and probably gained 5 pounds. I hated coming back to work yesterday, but someone has to pay the bills.

Six days til Christmas. Whoop-de-do. Normally I love this season, but my mood is so crappy right now I am barely getting any enjoyment out of it. Chris is a big Bah Humbug, so that doesn't help. Mom, on the other hand, is the epitome of Christmas Joy, baking til her heart's content and gleefully awaiting the blessed day. I want to kill her...not really, but I can barely muster up any Christmas spirit. Lucky is on the warparth...he is attacking Chris with a vengeance. He drew blood big time on Saturday. Damned cockatiel needs to go on Zoloft or something. Mom has headed off to Brantford til tomorrow night, so we have the apartment to ourselves for one night. We went to Dad's yesterday for the obligatory Christmas visit...obligatory on his part, not mine. I would happily see my father more than 2 times a year, but apparently the feeling ain't mutual. I got a couple of Boyd's Bears, FCUK perfume and some gift certificates. Chris got beer and to paraphrase the immortal Homer Simpson, "Mmmmm, beer".

Can I go home now? Please? I really don't want to be at work today. I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep, so I feel like a zombie. The Staff Christmas Party went well on Saturday, aside from some punk mechanic from our sister dealership who puked all over the foyer and put his head through the bathroom wall. A real class act. Did Xmas with Elizabeth on Sunday...got lots of cool stuff. Can't wait to start reading my GRRM book.

Oooh, the weather outside is frightful...damn it's cold. My office feels like an icebox. We are having a new phone system installed, which is having some major glitches, so it's been a quiet day with phonecalls. The trailer for X3 premiered yesterday, and I think it looks pretty cool. Only 5 months to wait! Picked up Fantastic Four yesterday on DVD, so I think I'll have a FF and Batman Begins marathon one day over the holidays. Our staff Christmas Party is on Saturday, so I am anxious for it to be over and done with. I do all the planning for our social events at work, so it's more hassle than fun for me. Plus I hate getting all gussied up, because it feels like no matter how much makeup and fancy clothing I put on, I still look like crap. I'm doing Christmas with Elizabeth on Sunday, so that should be fun (I know she got me the new George RR Martin book, so I'm excited!).

Saturday night was wonderful and thankfully went off without a hitch. We had a great meal at the Water Street Cooker and some great wine from Kittling Ridge back at home. The next couple of hours were spent doing things not fit to print (let's just say my new lingerie went over well) and then some pumpkin cheesecake for dessert. I got Chris the new X-Men legends game and his own Jessica Alba action figure to lust over (this gift was met with much rolling of the eyes). I got a box of Walker's Chocolate Mint Meltaways (yummy!) and Neverwinter Nights Diamond for my puter.

Then Sunday rolled around and I felt like I'd been hit by a load of bricks. This ridiculous wave of depression swept over me and I spent most of the day curled up in bed, sobbing. I think having such a great night alone with Chris made me so bloody upset because we get them so rarely. The thought of my mother coming back and how stunted my life has become really got to me. Chris is very concerned about my mother's place in our future and I am terrified I will be the one to lose out eventually, as this may ultimately be a big reason for him not wanting to marry me. And right now, that is the only dream I have, so doubting that it will come true has made me feel terrible.

I am feeling VERY overwhelmed right now. I'm not sure if things are really that bad, or if I just can't handle things very well right now. Chris's mental state is really poor right now, and I just can't figure out anything I can do to help. He is taking medication (which is only making him more depressed) and seeing a psychiatrist, but I am really worried about the downward turn his moods have taken and the worsening of his apathy. Not helping matters is the constant presence of my mom, so we rarely get any time alone together anymore. I no longer feel the urge to throttle my mother on a daily basis, but the situation is still stressful. The birds are in nasty moods, with Gypsy laying eggs continually. Work blows, per usual, but at times I would almost feel better staying here than going home. I am flat broke after blowing hundreds of dollars on Christmas gifts ( I don't even have enough money for any lunch today!). I keep telling myself things have got to brighten up, but boy it is taking forever in coming. One happy note is Chris and I are celebrating our 7th anniversary on Saturday...please let that night go off without a hitch...that's all I ask.

I haven't posted on here in ages. Since Chris read the blog, I have been hesitant to write anything further because the backlash was unfortunate, since it's easy to read things and take them the wrong way. My mom is still living with me. It is very difficult and tensions are running a little high. I am wound up tighter than a guitar string and there is no relief in sight. I am being shoved into a different position temporarily at work that is going to increase my stress level tenfold. Chris is seriously depressed and I have no idea how to help him. Is it a wonder I need large amounts of chocolate?

Wow. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. If you are ver thinking things can only get better from here on, don't believe it. Not for an instant. It can always get worse.

Mom has gone home for a couple of days to straighten some things out, so I have the apartment to myself until tomorrow night. Chris and I finally get an evening alone last night and it turned into pure shit. Not what I needed given my current state of mind, but that seems to be the way life goes.

Hey, check out the diet progress online. I love fitday.com! http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=lmwallace61

I hosted my Women's Clinic on Wednesday night. I had a record number of guests (38) and once again, no bloody recognition for it. I really am not sure why I put any effort into these things since management doesn't seem to give a shit. The twit who does a fraction of my job out at our sister dealership got half of that response, and has her praises sung. Shoot me now, please. Chris is seriously worrying me right now. Someone backed into his car on Wednesday, so that has just added to his view of "neverending bad things" happening to him. I can tell he's upset with the situation with Mom, but I really have no choice. I can't leave her to go completely crazy by herself, an hour away from me. He's making a lot of off the cuff remarks about "it's the end of the line" etc. so I am dealing with a suicidal mother and boyfriend. My guts just ache all day long. It certainly is helping my diet, though. I've lost 10 lbs. so far, and it's only been 10 days.

Well, I have a house guest. My mother is staying with me for...well, who knows how long. I don't mind having her here, but I know it is going to be a major strain on Chris. He got upset when she stayed for 10 days at Christmas, and chances are I'll have her for a couple of months. Needless to say, I feel sick. Just so bloody sick. I can't sleep, I have no appetite, and work is so horribly stressful right now I could scream. And being on this damn diet I can't have any chocolate or ice cream to comfort me. And no comfort from Chris, as I have a small 1 bedroom apartment so there will be no nookie with Mom around. Can I curl up in a hole and cry now?

Well, I finally got some sleep last night. After talking to my mother, I took a couple of clonazepam, which defintely helped with the sleep. She was acting strangely when she called on her new cell phone, she still won't speak openly and thinks people are listening in. She has asked me to come down this weekend because she really needs to talk to me. I think she is wary of her decision to move to Windsor and is going to try and move in with me. I am terrified that she will ask me this. I don't know what to do, as Chris will lose it if I were to give in to her. He was so upset last night after I talked to her. He says he's not upset with me, but I bear the brunt of his feelings and he makes me feel quite guilty for putting up with her current behaviour and for the effect this behaviour has on him. I really don't know what to do. I will have to rent a car to go to see her, as Chris does not want to take me and I really can't afford to keep renting vehicles. I wish I could just disappear, as my anxiety is at a pretty high level right now and I keep having minor panic attacks.

Mmmm...shrimp for breakfast. Gotta love that protein. I slept about 2 hours last night, my mind just wouldn't shut off and I had major palpitations. It also didn't help that my tummy was rumbling like mad, adapting to the new diet. Why the hell can't ice cream be good for you? Ah, well. Today's menu consists of shrimp for breakfast, salsa chicken and green beans for lunch, a cheesestring, fat-free lunchmeat and diet Jello for snacks and pork sirloin and broccoli for dinner. It actually isn't that bad, but I miss the vending machine.

Hmph. Today, I really hate my fucking job. I go through the hassle of creating, printing, folding and stuffing 700 invitations to my Women's Clinic, and nobody can be bothered to ensure they go to head office to get mailed (which I reminded at least 3 people to do). The clinic is in 7 days...thanks a bunch. One of my co-workers had an interesting thought-she was going to post a sign that said "My manager doesn't care, so I don't care". How true. Our manager (a wonderful human being, seriously) is so laid back, so non-confrontational that everything just falls to the wayside or gets ignored. Again, it comes down to the dick factor. If a man had asked for the invitations to be mailed, it would have been done, end of story. Chris is a little miffed with me because I didn't tell him I was keeping a blog. It really didn't occur to me, and I knew it would come up eventually. He was a little mortified that I wrote about the Plan B incident, but I assured him no one reads this damn thing anyway.

Broken condoms suck. Big time. Okay, so it happens and I'm thinking, it's okay because Plan B is available over-the-counter. So we get dressed, truck it over to Shopper's Drug Mart and ask for Plan B. The guy at the counter tells me he'll get the pharmacist, who then drags me and Chris into his little office. He then pulls out this 2 page questionairre that wants everything except my blood type and favourite colour. Now, I'm 29 years old and really don't care what this pharmacist thinks of me and my broken condom, but it really must be uncomfortable for a teenage girl to have to be grilled like that (I mean, if we wanted the questions, we would have went to the damn doctor). Then to top it off, they charge $14.02 for the damn consultation! Did I ask for the fucking consultation? Grrr. So forty bucks later, I get the joy of feeling like shit while I take these two pills. Luckily the rest of the weekend was okay. We went to see Mom on Friday (she's acting fairly normal, although extremely paranoid) and went out for dinner with Elizabeth on Thursday night. We pigged out on shrimp at Red Lobster, so that was awesome. She brought me back some cool gifts from her Scotland trip, including some funky Celtic earrings and some Ray Fiest books. Today is my first day on the South Beach regime, so this should be interesting.